Hope......

I hope that this all makes sense to those who are reading this. Its hard to make sense of it all and even harder to put it into words.

When did hope become a scary thing for me??

Going through this infertility journey at some point having hope became a scary thing for me. I feel like I need/want to have hope to move forward and be positive but at the same time the more hope I have the harder the fall will be if things don't go our way. I think part of this is also what we have been through in the past. I am really hopeful that this is our time and that we will have our baby(S) soon, but at the same time there are moments where my mind stops me from being so hopeful in case...just in case.

The biggest/hardest part of anyone infertility journey is the mind games that you play with yourself. Everything from phantom symptoms to the hope/not hope issue. Feeling better after all the medications and procedures and then feeling badly because if you are pregnant shouldn't you feel something different. (cramps, nausea or lightheaded) It really is an up and down roller coaster ride....unfortunately not one you choose to get on or off of.

I am working our way through the waiting period and hopefully our lives change forever!

Please keep sending love & prayers!

A bit of a down day.

Well on this rollercoaster ride that is trying to concieve there are always up and downs......even when you don't expect them.

This morning when we got up there was a message on the phone from the fertility clinic. It was the lab tech calling to update us on our 6 embryos that we have at the lab. He then says that they have all died!! WHAT??? How do they go from being strong 8 & 10 cell embryos on Thursday to dead on Sunday morning. "Sometimes that happens" (For those of you who don't know this is what happened last IVF cycle but we had 4 and they arrested - "died") So after hearing this message it sent me into the mind set that we are repeating exactly what happened last time.....so the emotions rush over you and you think to yourself.....I can't do this again!

This cycle was feeling SO DIFFERENT than the last....everything from the meds to the retrival to the amount of eggs....even to our 8 cell compacting embryos that we transfered. We had the head of the clinic preform the transfer which was amazing because that is one of the most important procedures of all this......everything felt like it was going different and better almost.


We are both very disapointed and sad that our little lab embryos didn't make it but we are going to focus all our love and energy on the 2 little ones that are hopefully getting REALLY comfy in my uterus.

A good friend of mine also let us know that her transfer didn't work and she got a BFN (big fat negative) so my heart was breaking for her. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make her feel less pain. Only time & love will help!

So I sit and wonder if this journey is so rough/hard, why do we stay on it for so long??? I know the end result will be amazing and wonderful.......but sometimes its hard to see that through all the crap!!

LOVE & HUGS to L! Hope your heart heals quickly!

Just a quick update

I am feeling better today! Still tender in the tummy area but overall much better than earlier this week. I am still wondering why I recovered so quickly last time and this time is taking so much longer.

I spent today sitting on my bum on the couch, reading, watching TV....surfing facebook and being waited on for everything by my loving hubby! I am very fortunate to have him in my life! LOVE YOU!

Here is my question....why is it so hard for me to let someone look after me,take care of me or help me? Simple things like asking for toast in the morning I feel bad, like I am asking him to do something HUGE or really hard. He is more than happy to make me breakfast or tea. Its just something within me! Ryan's new rule is that I am not allowed to say "I'm Sorry" after asking him for something. LOL I guess I should just sit back and relax about it all......after all when these babies get here there will be no more siting around for me either!

Thanks babe for all your help!

Transfer Day!

This is an image of two 8 cell embryos on a day 3 transfer. (they are not ours)


So today was the transfer day, we got to the clinic at 10:30 as we were directed and I had a full bladder from drinking 1L of water the hour before. Our OR time was 11am, but they had an emergency earlier that day and were behind with the OR times. So we waited and waited.....I have NEVER HAD TO PEE SO BADLY in my life. When it was our turn they got me on the table and the ultrasound tech checked my bladder and then says "Its too full" she then hands me a Styrofoam cup and say fill this one and a half times then come back. This is not an easy task when you have been waiting to go for almost 2 hours!

So they transferred 2 perfect 8 cell embryos! The nurse then says to me "You are now pregnant until proven otherwise"....this is a weird thought. We still have 6 embryos growing in the lab and then on Monday they will be frozen if they are strong enough!



So here is to 2 beautiful embryos grabbing on and making my uterus their home for 9 months before they come and meet their mommy & daddy.
Keep those prayers coming!

Some pictures

Last night was rough as far as pain goes, I was up and down quite a bit. Today is much better, I have been resting on the couch all day watching TV. My mom came over to visit and play cards and Ryan came home early from work.....its like they think I can't sit still! LOL Here are some pictures of some of the needles we have been using over the course of the treatment.


This is the needle for the Gonal F pen that is FSH to grow the follicles.



This is the kit for the cerotide, this is the one that I had the mild reaction too.




This is the needle for that medication.



This is the one that goes in my bottom everyday and if I am lucky enough to get pregnant then we do it for 3 months! This is my least favorite! It goes in the muscle....Lucky for me Ryan is really good at giving them all!

Update for Monday & Tuesday

Well Monday was retrieval day and so we got to the clinic as we were told for 7:30 they were short staffed and didn't take us in until 9 am.....by the time we got my IV in and ran the meds it was 10:40. This retrieval was way more painful and stressful than the last. As they were retrieving the follicles I asked for more pain meds which they gave me but it didn't help at all. I am so thankful for my husband who was there the whole time holding my hand and talking me through it all. In the end they retrieved 22 eggs, 15 of which were the right size to be fertilized and now we have 10 embryos as of this morning. We will get another update tomorrow morning about how they are all doing.

I do have a mild case of OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) so I have to be very careful with my body. This can add complications to a pregnancy or cancel this cycle all together. So I was told to drink 3 L of water and 1 L of Gatorade per day as well as rest.

I am uncomfortable and the nausea comes and goes.
We also started the progesterone injections which are going ok, but they do hurt my bum!

Still trying to take things one day at a time and see what comes next.

Thank you for all the support & prayers! We appreciate it!

Quick Update

My egg retrieval is Monday at 9 am. So we need to be at the clinic by 7:30 am to get everything set up and get me medicated! :) Today I had 18 follicles so we are hoping that they are all good quality and size to be fertilized. This also means that the embryo transfer is Thursday....and then the dreaded wait time to see if it worked or not.

Today is the first day that my body really doesn't feel like my own, I have heard friends who are pregnant say that but today I understand. I feel heavy and sorta lumpy, in that i can't bend certain ways because I am so bloated.

So tonight we do the HCG injection and then get some sleep!! Tomorrow is a needle free day! YEAH! I start my antibiotics and get some rest as well as drink lots of Gatorade.
One more day down and a few left to go! I will post some pictures tomorrow if I can of all the meds we were using.

Night!