I hope that this all makes sense to those who are reading this. Its hard to make sense of it all and even harder to put it into words.
When did hope become a scary thing for me??
Going through this infertility journey at some point having hope became a scary thing for me. I feel like I need/want to have hope to move forward and be positive but at the same time the more hope I have the harder the fall will be if things don't go our way. I think part of this is also what we have been through in the past. I am really hopeful that this is our time and that we will have our baby(S) soon, but at the same time there are moments where my mind stops me from being so hopeful in case...just in case.
The biggest/hardest part of anyone infertility journey is the mind games that you play with yourself. Everything from phantom symptoms to the hope/not hope issue. Feeling better after all the medications and procedures and then feeling badly because if you are pregnant shouldn't you feel something different. (cramps, nausea or lightheaded) It really is an up and down roller coaster ride....unfortunately not one you choose to get on or off of.
I am working our way through the waiting period and hopefully our lives change forever!
Please keep sending love & prayers!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
A bit of a down day.
Well on this rollercoaster ride that is trying to concieve there are always up and downs......even when you don't expect them.
This morning when we got up there was a message on the phone from the fertility clinic. It was the lab tech calling to update us on our 6 embryos that we have at the lab. He then says that they have all died!! WHAT??? How do they go from being strong 8 & 10 cell embryos on Thursday to dead on Sunday morning. "Sometimes that happens" (For those of you who don't know this is what happened last IVF cycle but we had 4 and they arrested - "died") So after hearing this message it sent me into the mind set that we are repeating exactly what happened last time.....so the emotions rush over you and you think to yourself.....I can't do this again!
This cycle was feeling SO DIFFERENT than the last....everything from the meds to the retrival to the amount of eggs....even to our 8 cell compacting embryos that we transfered. We had the head of the clinic preform the transfer which was amazing because that is one of the most important procedures of all this......everything felt like it was going different and better almost.
We are both very disapointed and sad that our little lab embryos didn't make it but we are going to focus all our love and energy on the 2 little ones that are hopefully getting REALLY comfy in my uterus.
A good friend of mine also let us know that her transfer didn't work and she got a BFN (big fat negative) so my heart was breaking for her. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make her feel less pain. Only time & love will help!
So I sit and wonder if this journey is so rough/hard, why do we stay on it for so long??? I know the end result will be amazing and wonderful.......but sometimes its hard to see that through all the crap!!
LOVE & HUGS to L! Hope your heart heals quickly!
This morning when we got up there was a message on the phone from the fertility clinic. It was the lab tech calling to update us on our 6 embryos that we have at the lab. He then says that they have all died!! WHAT??? How do they go from being strong 8 & 10 cell embryos on Thursday to dead on Sunday morning. "Sometimes that happens" (For those of you who don't know this is what happened last IVF cycle but we had 4 and they arrested - "died") So after hearing this message it sent me into the mind set that we are repeating exactly what happened last time.....so the emotions rush over you and you think to yourself.....I can't do this again!
This cycle was feeling SO DIFFERENT than the last....everything from the meds to the retrival to the amount of eggs....even to our 8 cell compacting embryos that we transfered. We had the head of the clinic preform the transfer which was amazing because that is one of the most important procedures of all this......everything felt like it was going different and better almost.
We are both very disapointed and sad that our little lab embryos didn't make it but we are going to focus all our love and energy on the 2 little ones that are hopefully getting REALLY comfy in my uterus.
A good friend of mine also let us know that her transfer didn't work and she got a BFN (big fat negative) so my heart was breaking for her. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make her feel less pain. Only time & love will help!
So I sit and wonder if this journey is so rough/hard, why do we stay on it for so long??? I know the end result will be amazing and wonderful.......but sometimes its hard to see that through all the crap!!
LOVE & HUGS to L! Hope your heart heals quickly!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Just a quick update
I am feeling better today! Still tender in the tummy area but overall much better than earlier this week. I am still wondering why I recovered so quickly last time and this time is taking so much longer.
I spent today sitting on my bum on the couch, reading, watching TV....surfing facebook and being waited on for everything by my loving hubby! I am very fortunate to have him in my life! LOVE YOU!
Here is my question....why is it so hard for me to let someone look after me,take care of me or help me? Simple things like asking for toast in the morning I feel bad, like I am asking him to do something HUGE or really hard. He is more than happy to make me breakfast or tea. Its just something within me! Ryan's new rule is that I am not allowed to say "I'm Sorry" after asking him for something. LOL I guess I should just sit back and relax about it all......after all when these babies get here there will be no more siting around for me either!
Thanks babe for all your help!
I spent today sitting on my bum on the couch, reading, watching TV....surfing facebook and being waited on for everything by my loving hubby! I am very fortunate to have him in my life! LOVE YOU!
Here is my question....why is it so hard for me to let someone look after me,take care of me or help me? Simple things like asking for toast in the morning I feel bad, like I am asking him to do something HUGE or really hard. He is more than happy to make me breakfast or tea. Its just something within me! Ryan's new rule is that I am not allowed to say "I'm Sorry" after asking him for something. LOL I guess I should just sit back and relax about it all......after all when these babies get here there will be no more siting around for me either!
Thanks babe for all your help!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Transfer Day!
This is an image of two 8 cell embryos on a day 3 transfer. (they are not ours)
So today was the transfer day, we got to the clinic at 10:30 as we were directed and I had a full bladder from drinking 1L of water the hour before. Our OR time was 11am, but they had an emergency earlier that day and were behind with the OR times. So we waited and waited.....I have NEVER HAD TO PEE SO BADLY in my life. When it was our turn they got me on the table and the ultrasound tech checked my bladder and then says "Its too full" she then hands me a Styrofoam cup and say fill this one and a half times then come back. This is not an easy task when you have been waiting to go for almost 2 hours!
So they transferred 2 perfect 8 cell embryos! The nurse then says to me "You are now pregnant until proven otherwise"....this is a weird thought. We still have 6 embryos growing in the lab and then on Monday they will be frozen if they are strong enough!
So here is to 2 beautiful embryos grabbing on and making my uterus their home for 9 months before they come and meet their mommy & daddy.
Keep those prayers coming!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Some pictures
Last night was rough as far as pain goes, I was up and down quite a bit. Today is much better, I have been resting on the couch all day watching TV. My mom came over to visit and play cards and Ryan came home early from work.....its like they think I can't sit still! LOL Here are some pictures of some of the needles we have been using over the course of the treatment.
This is the needle for the Gonal F pen that is FSH to grow the follicles.
This is the kit for the cerotide, this is the one that I had the mild reaction too.
This is the needle for that medication.
This is the one that goes in my bottom everyday and if I am lucky enough to get pregnant then we do it for 3 months! This is my least favorite! It goes in the muscle....Lucky for me Ryan is really good at giving them all!
This is the needle for the Gonal F pen that is FSH to grow the follicles.
This is the kit for the cerotide, this is the one that I had the mild reaction too.
This is the needle for that medication.
This is the one that goes in my bottom everyday and if I am lucky enough to get pregnant then we do it for 3 months! This is my least favorite! It goes in the muscle....Lucky for me Ryan is really good at giving them all!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Update for Monday & Tuesday
Well Monday was retrieval day and so we got to the clinic as we were told for 7:30 they were short staffed and didn't take us in until 9 am.....by the time we got my IV in and ran the meds it was 10:40. This retrieval was way more painful and stressful than the last. As they were retrieving the follicles I asked for more pain meds which they gave me but it didn't help at all. I am so thankful for my husband who was there the whole time holding my hand and talking me through it all. In the end they retrieved 22 eggs, 15 of which were the right size to be fertilized and now we have 10 embryos as of this morning. We will get another update tomorrow morning about how they are all doing.
I do have a mild case of OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) so I have to be very careful with my body. This can add complications to a pregnancy or cancel this cycle all together. So I was told to drink 3 L of water and 1 L of Gatorade per day as well as rest.
I am uncomfortable and the nausea comes and goes.
We also started the progesterone injections which are going ok, but they do hurt my bum!
Still trying to take things one day at a time and see what comes next.
Thank you for all the support & prayers! We appreciate it!
I do have a mild case of OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) so I have to be very careful with my body. This can add complications to a pregnancy or cancel this cycle all together. So I was told to drink 3 L of water and 1 L of Gatorade per day as well as rest.
I am uncomfortable and the nausea comes and goes.
We also started the progesterone injections which are going ok, but they do hurt my bum!
Still trying to take things one day at a time and see what comes next.
Thank you for all the support & prayers! We appreciate it!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Quick Update
My egg retrieval is Monday at 9 am. So we need to be at the clinic by 7:30 am to get everything set up and get me medicated! :) Today I had 18 follicles so we are hoping that they are all good quality and size to be fertilized. This also means that the embryo transfer is Thursday....and then the dreaded wait time to see if it worked or not.
Today is the first day that my body really doesn't feel like my own, I have heard friends who are pregnant say that but today I understand. I feel heavy and sorta lumpy, in that i can't bend certain ways because I am so bloated.
So tonight we do the HCG injection and then get some sleep!! Tomorrow is a needle free day! YEAH! I start my antibiotics and get some rest as well as drink lots of Gatorade.
One more day down and a few left to go! I will post some pictures tomorrow if I can of all the meds we were using.
Night!
Today is the first day that my body really doesn't feel like my own, I have heard friends who are pregnant say that but today I understand. I feel heavy and sorta lumpy, in that i can't bend certain ways because I am so bloated.
So tonight we do the HCG injection and then get some sleep!! Tomorrow is a needle free day! YEAH! I start my antibiotics and get some rest as well as drink lots of Gatorade.
One more day down and a few left to go! I will post some pictures tomorrow if I can of all the meds we were using.
Night!
Friday, July 16, 2010
A little info....
I thought today that I would post about IVF its self as many of you may know a little about it but not as detailed as what we are dealing with.....this procedure comes after many many tests, procedures and investigation of why we are dealing with infertility. Here is an overview of the IVF process.(There are a few variations depending on the doctor and clinic- this is ours)
First -- The stimulation medication is self administered on a daily basis starting on cycle day 3(in my case Ryan does it) This is usually an injectable FSH hormone. On day 5 onward I go for blood work to check hormone levels daily as well as internal ultrasounds to monitor the growth of the follicles daily. When the first follicle reaches 1.8 a second injectable medication is given daily as well. This medication is an antagonist which stops the body from ovulating on its own. It gives the DR full control of my cycle.
Second -- When the follicles have matured and there are many of them the right size the another injection is given 36 hours before the egg retrieval. This is the HCG injection and it matures the follicles completely. (Follicles are the "case" of the eggs)
Third -- The egg retrieval (minor surgery) This procedure is performed under conscious sedation and although I am conscious, a combination of medications is given to keep me comfortable and relaxed. An internal ultrasound probe is placed in the vagina and mature follicles are identified. They mount a needle on the side of the probe and its guided through the wall of the vagina and into each of the follicles that are viewed on the ultrasound. The follicles containing the egg is then aspirated into culture tubes to be fertilized shortly. The follicle is then viewed by the laboratory staff for the egg.
Fourth -- A semen sample is provided shortly before egg retrieval. The sample is assessed, appropriately processed and placed into the culture dish containing the eggs. Approximately 20 hours later, fertilization is assessed.
Fifth -- The fertilized eggs (now called embryos) are cultured under strict conditions and examined carefully on a daily basis to assess their progress.
Sixth -- Embryo transfer procedure is a simple and painless procedure. No anesthesia is required. I have to drink 2 or more glasses of water an hour before the procedure so that my bladder is full. This is important so they can see where they are placing the embryos in the uterus. A speculum is placed into the vagina and the cervix brought into view by the physician. The embryos are loaded into a catheter in the laboratory and the catheter is passed through the cervix into the uterus and the embryos are deposited inside the uterus.
Lastly -- After 13 - 15 days a pregnancy test is done.
Hope this helps a little as to what we are dealing with and going through! Thank you for all your love and support! We are very blessed to have family and friends that we do!!
First -- The stimulation medication is self administered on a daily basis starting on cycle day 3(in my case Ryan does it) This is usually an injectable FSH hormone. On day 5 onward I go for blood work to check hormone levels daily as well as internal ultrasounds to monitor the growth of the follicles daily. When the first follicle reaches 1.8 a second injectable medication is given daily as well. This medication is an antagonist which stops the body from ovulating on its own. It gives the DR full control of my cycle.
Second -- When the follicles have matured and there are many of them the right size the another injection is given 36 hours before the egg retrieval. This is the HCG injection and it matures the follicles completely. (Follicles are the "case" of the eggs)
Third -- The egg retrieval (minor surgery) This procedure is performed under conscious sedation and although I am conscious, a combination of medications is given to keep me comfortable and relaxed. An internal ultrasound probe is placed in the vagina and mature follicles are identified. They mount a needle on the side of the probe and its guided through the wall of the vagina and into each of the follicles that are viewed on the ultrasound. The follicles containing the egg is then aspirated into culture tubes to be fertilized shortly. The follicle is then viewed by the laboratory staff for the egg.
Fourth -- A semen sample is provided shortly before egg retrieval. The sample is assessed, appropriately processed and placed into the culture dish containing the eggs. Approximately 20 hours later, fertilization is assessed.
Fifth -- The fertilized eggs (now called embryos) are cultured under strict conditions and examined carefully on a daily basis to assess their progress.
Sixth -- Embryo transfer procedure is a simple and painless procedure. No anesthesia is required. I have to drink 2 or more glasses of water an hour before the procedure so that my bladder is full. This is important so they can see where they are placing the embryos in the uterus. A speculum is placed into the vagina and the cervix brought into view by the physician. The embryos are loaded into a catheter in the laboratory and the catheter is passed through the cervix into the uterus and the embryos are deposited inside the uterus.
Lastly -- After 13 - 15 days a pregnancy test is done.
Hope this helps a little as to what we are dealing with and going through! Thank you for all your love and support! We are very blessed to have family and friends that we do!!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Another day done!
Well today was an overwhelming day for me. After my ultrasound and blood work I sat for a few mins in the nurses room while she explained what comes next. They think that the retrieval will be Monday or Tuesday so we were talking about HCG injection and the new progesterone injection and what happens the day of the surgery. WHOA!! I know we have been here done this but its all moving so fast this time through.
The good news is that I have many good size follicles and that there are 20 still that are between 1.1 and 1.5..... 9 that are 1.8 to 1.5 so that s really good.
I have been going from feeling really really moody to just numb.....my brain is also not working as it normally does, I am fortunate to have a great work partner that makes me feel less stupid and we laugh about it.
Between the medications and the hot weather my body temp feels way higher than usual.
Over all I am looking at today as one more day done and now focusing on tomorrow.....one day at a time!
The good news is that I have many good size follicles and that there are 20 still that are between 1.1 and 1.5..... 9 that are 1.8 to 1.5 so that s really good.
I have been going from feeling really really moody to just numb.....my brain is also not working as it normally does, I am fortunate to have a great work partner that makes me feel less stupid and we laugh about it.
Between the medications and the hot weather my body temp feels way higher than usual.
Over all I am looking at today as one more day done and now focusing on tomorrow.....one day at a time!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 5
Quick post tonight. Today's ultrasound went well 8 big follicles and 27 small. The new medication is making feel yucky most of the time but nothing I can't get through...right? Ryan has mastered the art of giving injections and is my rock when it comes to all of that. I did get poked twice by the nurse today who was taking blood.
That's about it for today!
HAPPY 9th ANNIVERSARY RYAN!!! Love you! xoxoxo
That's about it for today!
HAPPY 9th ANNIVERSARY RYAN!!! Love you! xoxoxo
Monday, July 12, 2010
Quick update
Today I went for ultrasound and blood work. All is looking good so far....it is day 4 of gonal F and they started me on Cetratide injections. I had a small allergic reaction to this one but the clinic isn't too worried about it, they just want me to take benadryl before hand. The ultra sound showed that I have 5 follicles between 1.2 - 1.0 and then 30 that were small....so we are off to a great start....lets see what tomorrow brings. They did decrease my dose of Gonal F to 300iu today!
My emotions were in better check today but the new medication was making me feel sick and gave me a headache. It will all be worth it when I see my little one(s) for the first time.....keeping focused on the goal!
My emotions were in better check today but the new medication was making me feel sick and gave me a headache. It will all be worth it when I see my little one(s) for the first time.....keeping focused on the goal!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Day 3
So I am one injection in (from last night) and already feeling like I am losing my head. I would say that I feel today like I did at the end of the last cycle. I can go from feeling totally normal to so bloody angry in the blink of an eye. Nothing has changed and nobody is around.....I just feel crazy!
I am SO blessed to have an AMAZING, WONDERFUL husband who can make me laugh even when I am crying, he is patient with me and as I have said does all my injections (which I am afraid of) but he is a calm, supportive energy and gets me through them each one at a time. I also have an amazing group of women that I met long ago on an infertility support board, we went from there to a private board to now on Facebook. Through the years some have had their babies and some of us are still waiting and trying but we are close and supportive and really really truly get what the others are going through. This is an amazing and unique thing to have during this process.
When feeling so nuts today and worrying about how I am going to cope with these crazy emotions without hurting anyones feelings I asked the girls for tips on how to get through this. One of them posted this as advice...I am posting it here to be able to read it daily.
"I've made a science out of trying to stay in control when you feel like the incredible hulk- ready to bust at the seams at any given moment. Okay so, no. You will not be able to get rid of it- but there are a few things that will help you "ride the waves".
First, remember to tell yourself that you are NOT INSANE. This is not your fault, and its just your body looking for a way to balance out the extra hormones. The more hormonal you are- the more the meds are working for you.
Second, stay away from people if you feel like it. I know that may not be totally realistic, but its better not to worry that you might snap at an inappropriate time. People who are close to you- make sure they understand and are ready to be forgiving.
Third, write. Keep a journal. It helps to have an outlet for the emotions,
When you are feeling your worst, take a few minutes behind closed doors and recite this to yourself "this is just the hormones, I am not crazy. I just need to cry and let it out. Every breath I take will level it out a little more. This is all part of the process. I can get through this. "
So this is the start of this journey and I am finding that the blog is therapeutic in a way. Here is to another needle tonight and feeling a bit better tomorrow!
(I HOPE)
I am SO blessed to have an AMAZING, WONDERFUL husband who can make me laugh even when I am crying, he is patient with me and as I have said does all my injections (which I am afraid of) but he is a calm, supportive energy and gets me through them each one at a time. I also have an amazing group of women that I met long ago on an infertility support board, we went from there to a private board to now on Facebook. Through the years some have had their babies and some of us are still waiting and trying but we are close and supportive and really really truly get what the others are going through. This is an amazing and unique thing to have during this process.
When feeling so nuts today and worrying about how I am going to cope with these crazy emotions without hurting anyones feelings I asked the girls for tips on how to get through this. One of them posted this as advice...I am posting it here to be able to read it daily.
"I've made a science out of trying to stay in control when you feel like the incredible hulk- ready to bust at the seams at any given moment. Okay so, no. You will not be able to get rid of it- but there are a few things that will help you "ride the waves".
First, remember to tell yourself that you are NOT INSANE. This is not your fault, and its just your body looking for a way to balance out the extra hormones. The more hormonal you are- the more the meds are working for you.
Second, stay away from people if you feel like it. I know that may not be totally realistic, but its better not to worry that you might snap at an inappropriate time. People who are close to you- make sure they understand and are ready to be forgiving.
Third, write. Keep a journal. It helps to have an outlet for the emotions,
When you are feeling your worst, take a few minutes behind closed doors and recite this to yourself "this is just the hormones, I am not crazy. I just need to cry and let it out. Every breath I take will level it out a little more. This is all part of the process. I can get through this. "
So this is the start of this journey and I am finding that the blog is therapeutic in a way. Here is to another needle tonight and feeling a bit better tomorrow!
(I HOPE)
Friday, July 9, 2010
Officially started!
So tonight we started with the gonal F again. I was fine all day and then became quite nervous when 9 pm came around. Lucky for me I have a wonderful hubby who does all my injections and is an old pro, he walked me through it step by step! The dosing is twice what I was on last cycle so we will see by Monday how many follicles there will be starting!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
We are officially back on this ride again....
Today I went for the ultrasound and blood work to start the cycle.
All is well so we will begin stimulation medications tomorrow in the evenings. I am on 375iu of Gonal F. Then on Monday start with ultrasounds and blood work daily for at least a week.....or until the follicles are ready! I picked up the progesterone oil and needles yesterday....they are big but not as big as I was thinking, either that or I am trying to trick myself into feeling ok about them! LOL
I will try to write daily posts about all that is happening! Here's hoping these meds don't make me more insane than I already am! :)
All is well so we will begin stimulation medications tomorrow in the evenings. I am on 375iu of Gonal F. Then on Monday start with ultrasounds and blood work daily for at least a week.....or until the follicles are ready! I picked up the progesterone oil and needles yesterday....they are big but not as big as I was thinking, either that or I am trying to trick myself into feeling ok about them! LOL
I will try to write daily posts about all that is happening! Here's hoping these meds don't make me more insane than I already am! :)
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Not long now!
Happy CANADA Day!
Tomorrow is the last day of my BCP then we wait for AF and it all starts again. With the short protocol this time around things will move quickly and so as it approaches its making me a little more nervous!
So many things running through my head and so hard to sort through all the thoughts....what can go well ....what can go wrong.....etc! I am trying to take it one day at a time and see how it goes!
That's it for day! Have a good long weekend all you Canadian peoples! :)
Tomorrow is the last day of my BCP then we wait for AF and it all starts again. With the short protocol this time around things will move quickly and so as it approaches its making me a little more nervous!
So many things running through my head and so hard to sort through all the thoughts....what can go well ....what can go wrong.....etc! I am trying to take it one day at a time and see how it goes!
That's it for day! Have a good long weekend all you Canadian peoples! :)
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